Photo by Jeremy Gordon (also known as my incredibly talented brother)
I was fortunate enough to have two generally easy pregnancies. I had a slight complication with my first son, Soren, which was a subchorionic hemorrhage—a fancy way of saying there was bleeding behind the placenta. It caused abnormal bleeding throughout my first trimester and increased the chances of miscarriage, but it resolved itself on its own as it often does.
On the contrary, my delivery with Soren was absolutely traumatic and some time passed before I grieved the experience. I'll be writing about both of my birth stories soon (spoiler: they were night and day different) as I think it's important and healing for every mother to revisit her delivery no matter the experience. I also think it's important for us to share our stories with each other to empower us with knowledge.
For the sake of this post, I'll share six things that I wish I knew before giving birth.
1. Watch The Business of Being Born.
I was very relaxed when it came to my "birth plan". You know, that whole checklist of things you do and don't want to do when it comes time to giving birth. My theory was I'll give it a good go naturally, if I couldn't hang, I'd get an epidural, and if that didn't work, I'd have a C-section. In my mind, the baby was going to come out one way or another, so I didn't think I should stress over it. Avoiding stress was my golden rule while pregnant, which meant I ate sushi, had a glass of wine here and there, enjoyed raw oysters, carpaccio, and craved deli sandwiches from my local market. I know—I'm causing some folks a lot of anxiety right now. But, everything was fine.
When I was eight months pregnant, I stumbled across the documentary The Business of Being Born. I casually decided to watch it one evening and it completely changed the way I thought about my birth experience. It goes through the history of child birth and how WWII and the modern day hospital transformed the health care industry.
I'll warn you, there are some jarring statistics that may cause a little worry. Believe me when I say, that is not my hope for you (see raw oyster confession above). Instead, I think it's important that we make informed and educated decisions about what we want our childbirth experience to be. Nature will, of course, decide most of it for us, but it's so important to be an advocate for yourself or have someone advocate for you no matter what you choose. This brings me to my next point.
2. Find a doula or midwife.
I can be a bit prideful about certain things, and this was one of them. Though I knew a few friends who had doulas, I didn't really understand what it was all about. I assumed it was some hippy thing and the doula would be doing a rain dance while burning incense in the middle of me going through one of the most painful experiences of my life. The vision in my head sounded like it could be my worst nightmare, but it couldn't be further from the truth.
A doula is simply someone you hire to be your advocate on the day of your child's birth. An experienced doula will have seen and participated in hundreds of births. As well intended as we and our partners are, no birthing class can match the experience and value a doula will bring. There were so many decisions my husband and I had to make amidst being in great emotional duress, excruciating pain, and a foggy head due to pain medications and interventions. I was literally not in the right state of mind to be making decisions that could affect my or my baby's physical well being. A doula will help slow the process down and ensure you are aware of what your options are to stay as close to your birth plan as possible.
Hiring a doula is a luxury, but if you can find a way to save up, it is invaluable. I didn't have one with my first son, but was adamant to have one with my second. Being able to call, text, or lean over and ask an expert who intimately understands what you want was money very well spent. A doula will often help answer questions regarding your pregnancy leading up to childbirth as well.
If you're in the Bay Area and want recommendations or just have questions about doulas in general, let me know and I'm happy to share any knowledge I have.
3. You can't eat.
Anyone that knows me knows that I love food (did you miss the food confessions above??). The fact that no one told me I couldn't eat as soon as they started any sort of intervention like pitocin was traumatizing in and of itself. That's all I have to say about this point. Now, you know.
4. You may not have that rush of love for your baby right away.
You've read a hundred Facebook announcements about the beautiful new babe that the parents are deeply in love with at first sight. That wasn't my experience with either of my kids. Before you judge me, let me explain.
As I said, my first birthing experience was pretty traumatic. I was so out of it by the time my son was born that I didn't feel I was fully present to absorb the wondrousness of those moments. I was over-drugged, stitched, exhausted, hungry, learning to latch my son, and the list goes on. Then we were moved to the recovery room, but shortly after had to bring our son for his circumcision. It wasn't until the second night when my son woke up to nurse in the middle of the night that I felt I was able to really see him.
The room was dark with a faint glow of fluorescent light from beneath the door. I had just fumbled my way through nursing Soren. Jeff, my husband, was sleeping on the fold out bed beside us. It was the first time I truly felt I saw my son so clearly. He seemed very alert, staring at me intently with his cloudy dark eyes. I stared purposefully back at him. It's as though we were both studying each other, silently getting to know one another. A smile slowly found its way on my lips as I just marveled at this little person that grew inside my body for nine months. Can we just let that soak in for a moment? Our body creates another human being! It still amazes me. I fell in love with my son that night. But, I was fortunate it happened that soon.
Postpartum depression is a very real thing that many women suffer from. I believe I had a bit of PPD with my son Mikael. If you feel disconnected, sad, or anxious, be sure you talk about it with those around you, especially your doctor. It may just be the normal baby blues as your hormone levels regulate, or it could be something more serious. Either way, it is nothing to be ashamed of. You are an incredible mother.
5. It's just as important to take care of you as it is to take care of your baby
OK, this is a tricky one. Those first few weeks, it's true what they say. The average, healthy baby is going to keep you up all night long. But during the day, you'd be surprised that they might want to sleep for 4-6 hour stretches (especially if they have jaundice) and are often only awake for 30 minutes at a time. I know it's tempting for you to stay awake and do things around the house or binge Netflix. I mean, Stranger Things is something you may not want to watch when the baby is awake. And besides, you're recovering too! But, sleeping when the baby sleeps is going to do wonders for your emotions and stamina.
Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a very good reason. Pile sleep deprivation on top of learning to care for a baby; breast or bottle feeding; washing spit up and blow outs; figuring out the elusive swaddle they will not break free from; eating cold meals; and, you have yourself a recipe for one depleted and on edge Mama.
After my son Mikael was born, he had a bad case of chronic reflux. My poor babe was very uncomfortable and made so many noises in his sleep. I'm not sure if I ever fell into a deep sleep for those first six weeks. I was constantly listening for his reflux so I could roll him to his side or clear his nasal airways. After weeks of this, I literally woke up and the first thing I said to my husband was, "I feel like I'm losing my $%&# mind." I wish it was an exaggeration. I really did feel that way. I also started resenting my son and had to consciously remind myself that he was in pain and it was my job as his Mama to come alongside him and help him. But, that meant I also had to take care of myself. I was stricken with guilt.
I moved my son out into the living room in his swing that night, since my toddler was still in the nursery. I setup a camera so that I could hear anything out of the ordinary. The swing kept him elevated so his reflux was contained. Even though I was making these decisions for both of our well being, the guilt still found its way in. We're supposed to co-sleep forever right?
Well, that was the first night both of us slept for a 4 hour stretch. I got up to nurse him once and he settled right back down for another 5 hour stretch. And, guess what? In the morning, my resentment, frustration, anxiety, and anger was miraculously cured. I had the patience, compassion, and tenderness I needed to love him well through his discomfort. I also had the energy to care for my toddler's needs.
So even though it can be obnoxious or feel disconnected from reality when someone tells you to sleep when the baby sleeps, do it. You need it more than the dishes need you.
6. Give yourself permission to grieve your childbirth experience.
It's no surprise that pregnancy and childbirth comes with a lot of hormonal changes and emotions. After recovering from my first son's delivery, I was thrust into all that comes with taking care of a new baby. Figuring out how to breastfeed, change diapers, console a crying baby, pump, swaddle, sponge bathe, and so on. It was overwhelming. All of this on minimal, broken sleep in intervals of one to two hours.
It wasn't until one afternoon, I was sharing my birth story with a childhood friend and I was overcome with emotion. Mid sentence, there was a welling up from the deepest parts of my soul that desperately needed to be released. I began to hyperventilate as I wept, finding it difficult to catch my breath as I tried to finish telling my story. I was so sad. I was devastated that I couldn't remember the first moments with my son because I had too many drugs in my system. I hated that I was being stitched for 30 minutes while I heard everyone in the periphery celebrating my son without me. There were so many things I had not allowed myself to feel as I marched forward into motherhood.
Childbirth is one of the most primal experiences you will literally push through in your life. It is a physical trauma to your body. Most women don't allow themselves to grieve when it may be necessary. Yes, you are 100% focused on caring for your new babe. But as part of your own self care, ask yourself if you need to sit in sadness for awhile. That is ok. It is necessary. Give yourself time and be kind to your emotional needs.
Mama, I hope these six tips help you feel more prepared and empowered vs. anxious and fearful. Giving birth is one of the most difficult and rewarding experiences you have the opportunity to do. You are strong and wise. Follow your instincts and you will be better for it.
